Me and My Daughter.

I keep telling my daughter — show me who you are. Not what show you're watching, not which friend you're talking about. Just you. And every time, she says the same thing back — that I don't let her show who she is, because I control her.

That word used to sting me. I don't feel like I'm controlling. I feel like I'm reaching for her. But feelings aren't proof, and I've had to sit with the possibility that what I mean and what she experiences aren't the same thing.

Here's what I'm starting to understand, without letting myself off the hook completely.

When she talks about her show, her friend, the things she likes — that probably is her showing me who she is. I was looking past all of it, waiting for something "realer" to show up after. To her, that likely felt like nothing she gives me is ever enough.

I can see now why that reads as control, even when I didn't intend it that way.

At the same time, I know some of her pulling away isn't only about me. She's becoming her own person, and I'm the closest person she has to separate from. So when she resists, or won't explain herself, it isn't always rejection — sometimes it's just her drawing a line between where I end and she begins. That's normal. I don't have to take every closed door personally, even when it stings.

And I have to be honest about my own part in this too. Some of my need to see "the real her" comes from my own fear — watching her grow into choices I can't control, seeing pieces of my younger self in her mistakes before she's even made them. That fear sometimes comes out as control, even when I tell myself it's protection. I don't get to hide from that just because my intentions were good.

I also have to say this clearly, for myself as much as her:

I am learning too. No one gave me a manual for raising a teenage daughter. I will get some of this wrong before I get it right, and that doesn't make me a failure — it makes me someone who is still growing, the same as she is. I don't need to perform certainty I don't have.

So, here's what I want to try. Instead of asking her to show me who she is, I want to meet her where she already is. Ask about the friend. Watch part of the show with her. Ask why she likes it — really ask, not as a way to steer the conversation somewhere else. Maybe she isn't hiding the real her from me. Maybe I just keep looking past it.

This conflict between us doesn't mean something is broken between us. It might mean we're both changing, both learning, both a little unsure — just not always in sync. That doesn't scare me the way it used to. It means we're still in this together, even when it's hard.

Also, this disagreement between us doesn't imply that something is wrong between us. It could indicate that we're both evolving, both gaining new insights, and perhaps a bit uncertain — just not always aligned. This no longer frightens me as it once did. It signifies that we're still committed to this, even when it's challenging.

So, one step at a time :)